frustration and confusion

I refuse to let things and people control my emotions and feelings. Okay, I take that back… I am TRYING to not let things and people control my emotions and my feelings. It’s so much easier said than done. I knew it was over, the night that things changed. I knew my emotions were different, and I didn’t want anything more from him. I knew that. Why would I want to be with someone who bails and freaks out just when you needed them to be there and strong and ask “are you okay?”. Instead he bailed, and got strange. We were friends before, and I hoped for friendship afterwards. I don’t know if he can handle it. That’s what kills me. I’ve moved on… I have. I don’t have to be in a relationship to move on though. He does. I don’t mind! I am happy that he has found someone….. a week after he and I were together. That’s fine!

So why does it bother me that he has updated his facebook status to “In a relationship” with this chick??? I mean really???? I’m trying not to let this ruin my day. I’m trying.. It’s hard though. Obviously I still have some sort of feeling for him, but it’s not like I want to be with him. He is everything and nothing that I’ve wanted. I deserve so much more than that! I think the thing that hurts the most is that he made a promise to me, and then broke it. I don’t know if it was intentional or unintentional, but he broke it, and now I am left to pick up my own pieces again. Not that they were ever put together properly to begin with.

I’m mad… When I’m mad, I cry. Not when I’m hurt, like normal people do! I cry when I am so livid! Why? Because I do not want to hurt people I love with the words that would come out of my mouth if I didn’t cry. The tears act as curse words, they act as anger, they act as madness and rage. NOT because I’m an emotional girl who is in love with someone. I was never “in love” with him. NEVER.

I am hurt now because I miss my friend. I miss his friendship, not the other stuff.. Just his friendship. I can handle friendships! I can! I just can’t handle the plastering of his new “relationship” with someone else for the entire world to see. I’m hurt because her name is the same as mine, and he referred to me as the “old” Christie when talking to someone. OUCH!!!

I’m stronger than that though. He can think that I’m an emotional girl all he wants. I’m better than that! I am worth more than that. I deserve better than that.

So why can’t I just leave it at that???

Happy Birthday to Moi!!! 31 Years!!

In my next thirty years….. (you know the song… Tim McGraw sings it!) Well, I’ve been 30 for an entire year, and this morning at 7:51, I officially turned 31. It got me thinking about what I want to accomplish in my next thirty years. It also got me thinking about what a huge difference a year makes. One full year, and 125 pounds later, I’m one full year older, and closer to my goal than I have been since I’ve been obese!

Last year, I was a huge puffy blob (didn’t feel like it at the time, but looking back at pictures, I was!) My first thirty years were fine. They were full of adventures and struggles, and not once did I ever attribute any struggles to my weight. I never let it get in the way of the things I wanted to do. I’m just determined. J So in my next thirty years… I am going to celebrate. I’m going to live! One of my dear close friends gave me a note today that says the following….

“Christie- Happy Birthday! New job, new clothes, new man, kick ass body and new adventures. Here’s to getting in front of the camera and living out loud so you don’t pinch yourself when you’re 80 and think it was a dream!... Love you! “

That brought tears to my eyes.. Why? I’ve lived behind the camera since I could remember. Yes, I’ve lived, but I’ve lived trying to capture memories for other people. Yes, I get paid to capture memories for other people, but when I am not getting paid, I still capture those memories on camera. However, I don’t have the pictures of me in those “memories”. I was there, I lived them as well. So, in my next thirty years, I’m going to get in the picture! I’m going to take on life, and have pictures of me doing just that! I’ll LET other people take a picture of me!

Here are the ten things I’m going to do in my Next Thirty Years….

1. 1. Exercise more

2. 2. Go to Europe and walk the streets with ease

3. 3. Run/walk a marathon for Cancer awareness on a yearly basis

4. 4. Enjoy my family and friends more

5. 5. Eat healthier meals

6. 6. Love a little more (love myself a little more too)

7. 7. Live in the moment

8. 8. Laugh more

9. 9. Share my story (we all have one)

10. 10. Allow myself to be loved!

So, to end this blog for today…. Happy Birthday to ME! Here is to Living Out Loud!!!! Here is to living the dream, but having the pictures to prove it! I’m going to be the BEST person that I can be, inside AND out!!

O-U-T-C-A-S-T

I’m beginning to feel like an outcast. There! I said it! O-U-T-C-A-S-T! I’m being cast aside by my former Plus Size stores, comfort zones, known clothes that fit my body and basically; my former fat self. Now don’t get me wrong, being ostracized from my former fat world is a good thing!!! But, now, I’m feeling a little out of place! My entire life I’ve been “Plus Sized” and now, I’m not! I don’t fit in the plus sized clothing, and this should be a GREAT thing!! However, I’ve never shopped for something NOT plus sized before.

I don’t know what stores to shop in, I don’t know what clothes to look at. In my former fat world, certain clothing items were completely UNACCEPTABLE to wear, so I followed the rules of fat person clothing options, and opted not to choose those items. Even the undergarments were relatively plain jane! But now, there are options… For color, ruffles, bows, pretty polka dots, etc. Plain was never bad, and I still like the white, beige, and black trio. It all worked well for me, because I was always told that I dressed well. Well… Now I fit in things!

I am just a little confused with myself! Do I wear the shorter skirts (Which, in non fat world, the skirts are EXTREMELY short, and maybe it’s just that I’m not used to it…), do I get away with wearing the trendier things? My former style is being thrown out the window, and I’m confused! What looks good? What doesn’t look good? I’m not trying to hide behind things anymore, so I don’t need to camouflage things. Can I wear the tighter shirts without looking like a trashy lady?

The more weight I lose, the more I am beginning to wonder what my style is. I know as a fat person I had style. I had great style for a larger lady. I commend myself on that. Now, I have to figure it all out again! I want to be trendy, but not trashy! There are way too many choices to choose from, and my mind is going into overdrive. In my fat days, I could go into a plus size woman retail establishment (LB) and know exactly what size to get of something, and what would look good. I didn’t even have to try it on. Now, I try everything on, and I end up putting the majority of it back. Just too much to choose from!!

Maybe I should not say I’m an Outcast of the fat world. More like a confused newbie to the skinny world. I need style help!!

Oh, and I know I haven’t updated my blog.. but… On November 2, 2009, I had Gastric Bypass Surgery. Since that day, I’ve lost a total of 125 lbs. Yes, I’m damn proud of myself!!! It has not been easy!! I have a new job! I love it! My photography business has picked up quite a bit, and I’m finally feeling like the me I always knew I was!! :-)

Oh what a year can do!

Wow! Have I really been absent for that long??? Indeed I have!

The perils of unemployment had zapped my love and desire for writing a blog. I am getting back to it though! When I lost my job last year, I decided to live my life for myself! I have been trying to get my photography business up and running, I have travelled, spent time with family, spent time with friends, spent lovely time with my amazing niece, and most importantly, saved my life!

Yes, I did say "Saved My Life". On November 2, 2009, I underwent Gastric Bypass Surgery. During surgery, I aspirated during the extubation process, and that caused me to have pneumonia. My surgery was on a Monday, and on Tuesday, I remember Mom and Dad had gone to go get coffee, and my sister was sitting with me. I turned to her and told her to call a nurse immediately because I think my fever just spiked. Apparently, nurses take that stuff seriously. :-) Thank Goodness!! I was wheeled down to have xrays and a leak test done. Leak Tests involve drinking the NASTIEST of concoctions so that the medical team can check to see if there are any leaks in your new "Pouch". I had no desire to drink anything, and made someone stand next to me with a bucket just in case the concoction did not agree with me. I was fine. :) The leak test proved negative for leaks, but they did notice that my lungs looked somewhat foggy.
Xrays revealed Pneumonia! LOVELY!! Try coughing when your insides have just been sliced and diced and rearranged! Not fun! I had to cough holding a pillow. I looked forward to the breathing treatments though, because that offered me some sort of comfort.

Pneumonia afforded me one extra day stay in the hospital, and a couple of CT scans. However, on Thursday, I was able to go home! I had the most amazing nurses and my surgeon was AMAZING!!!

Since then, I have officially lost 101 lbs (as of today). I fit in clothes that I never thought possible! I have more energy, I work out, I see my future! It looks good! The only thing that would make it better??? FINDING A JOB!!!! I can't rely on photography as my primary income, I break even with that. I see the light at the end of the unemployment tunnel though! There is a job out there for me that I will be very happy at, I know it!

Everyday is a new day, and I am happy to know that I am no longer Morbidly Obese! My decision to go through with the surgery saved my life!

I will update more often, I promise! :-) I am hoping to get back into the swing of blogging regularly, although, I never was the regular blogger.

Love to you all!

ABC's of Me!

Appalachian State University… the school I worked hard to get into and did.
Blessed: What I’m feeling right now because I have the best family and the most amazing friends a person could ask for!
Creative: What I like to think of myself as. :-)
Desk: What I’m sitting at, at work. Filling this out.
Eustacian Tube Dysfunction…. I’ve got it… in my right ear. Can’t hear a thing except for a buzzing sound.
Friends: lots of them, and love each of them!
Giardia: What my sweet pup Bella almost died from two days after I adopted her.
Happy Girl… My favorite song by Martina McBride. I feel it fits me to a “T”.
Inches: What I’m hoping I’ll lose over the next year or two. :-) YAY!
Jobless: What I found out I’ll be last Friday. May 15th will be my last day at my job. I’ve been here for 5 years almost to the day.
Konrad: The sweetest little boy (My best friend Chris’ son) who gave me the name “Auntie”. I treasure it and every time he and his little sister say it.
Laughing: One of the many memories I have of the dorm is when Sarah and I (Sarah was the RA) used to laugh so hard and so loud at NOTHING, but the people on either side of us actually had to come tell us to settle down.
Macon: Georgia that is… Where my extended family lives/was from. My Meema still lives there. It’s a beautiful town, with not a whole lot to do. Except Susan and I always go to Kmart, like it is some big deal. (we have one in Charlotte.. but for some reason, only go when we are in Macon)
Niece: I am an aunt to the sweetest, happiest, most beautiful baby girl named Ainsley. She is an angel that gives a new meaning to the word life. :-)
Old: What I’ll be in September when I turn the big 3-0!
Photography- CKJCreations.. My photography business. I can’t wait to explore this talent even more.
Quiet: What I love after a crazy day, but what I hate when it’s an empty quiet.
Realistic Optimist: This is how I describe myself. I realistically expect that things will turn out good. :-)
Severance: The type of package that was given to me yesterday that I haven’t signed because I have to review it with my father.. aka.. my financial advisor.
Taxes: I owed a whopping $3 to the state of North Carolina this year. Last year I actually had to write a check for the huge amount of $1. I hope that it goes to some wonderful politician meal!!
Unique: I happen think of myself as a pretty unique individual.
Valle Crucis: One of the most beautiful towns in the North Carolina Mountains. A MUST visit for people seeking beauty in it’s natural state.
Windows: What I wish I had more of. I love bright sunshine coming in a window. It also offers great natural lighting for photography.
X-ray- I had a few.. but the worst one was when I broke my foot. Every time I went in, they had to get a shot from a certain angle that made me have to lay my foot on the broken side. That felt like torture!
Yes! It’s ALL GOOD!!! :-)
Zenith: The first television that we had as an extra that I remember us having growing up. It was the one that we had to turn the dial on it and adjust the rabbit ears.

Please Pray for Stellan!!

YOOOHOOOO.... I'm baaaccckkk from the hiatus of life!!

I realize I have not blogged in a LOOOOOONNNNNNNGGGGGGGG, but things have been QUITE crazy around these parts. Life has a way of taking detours every now and then, and some things just don’t seem as important as they used to. At least, to me that is. So I’ll give you the highlights in random order.

1. Mom completed her Chemo treatments and got a clean bill of Health back in September. She is finally doing very well, and we are all impressed with her recovery. She still has some neuropathy issues, but every now and then she gets “short circuits” and it’s as if the nerves in her hands and feet are making connections, it’s just taking a while. She is thriving though, and we are all glad to have her “back”. Chemo is tough!!!

2. Mom and Dad completed a renovation to the den. They bumped the den out about 12 feet and it added some much needed extra space. It brightened everything up, and allows everyone to sit in there comfortably, without anyone sitting on the floor.

3. On October 5, 2008 the most BEAUTIFUL baby GIRL was born into this world. My Niece!!!! I can’t tell you the elation I had in me the minute I got the “IT’S A GIRL!!!” news. As some of you know, Brian and Lauren did not want to find out the sex of the baby. So they held out and sure enough Ainsley Grace made her way into this world at a whopping 6 lbs 1 oz. She is so beautiful and she is definitely from our family! She’s got the cheeks!!! :-) Brian and Lauren have adjusted to parenthood quite nicely. It is amazing to see them blossom into such amazing parents!!! Here is a picture of the cutest baby EVER to be on this planet!!!!!!!!!!

4. I’ve gotten more involved in photography, with the new addition of my very first digital SLR. It’s a Nikon D60! I’m in heaven!!! I love this camera, and CKJCreations is off and running… well.. sort of. But I’ve got a mentor now that is showing me the ropes of photography and is helping me out big time with my questions!

#5 is the most life altering change in my life……
5. I made the decision in October of 2008 to go through with Gastric Bypass Surgery. I went to the doctor the week after Ainsley was born, for an infected cyst, and my weight had sky rocketed to the highest it’s ever been. I think the stress of the past year played a huge role in it. So I started the journey by attending a seminar on November 4, 2008 and that started the ball rolling. I chose an amazing surgeon by the name of Dr. Voellinger with Southeast Bariatrics. The program is extremely comprehensive, and is definitely not a split second decision. My PCP and I had been discussing options for weight loss for the past 4 years. I attempted the Mediterranean diet, weight watchers, doing a diet on my own, and then there was Nutri System (which worked, but my body became used to the foods, and then the craziness of 2008 really took a toll on me). I have been large all of my life, and the birth of Ainsley Grace made me want to be healthier… For her, for me, for my future, for her future… I want to go into my 30s and be healthy!!! I do not have outrageous expectations to be a stick thin person. I just want to be healthy! I want to see this little girl grow up and I want to be able to take her places and do things that a heavier person may not be able to do.
I am now working out at the YMCA on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and I am following a high protein, low calorie diet. I started my 6 month physician supervised diet back in February, and so far I’ve lost 5 lbs. (according to the digital scale at the doctors office) but on the home scale it is more around the area of 7-8 lbs. I’m not complaining!! :-) I’m getting healthy!!!
So I will keep you all updated on the progress, and once I get the date of my Surgery, I will post it on here. I will also be sending an email out to everyone who is interested.


So that’s been the last 8 months in a nutshell! :-)

Hopefully I’ll be back in the blogging game!!! :-)