frustration and confusion

I refuse to let things and people control my emotions and feelings. Okay, I take that back… I am TRYING to not let things and people control my emotions and my feelings. It’s so much easier said than done. I knew it was over, the night that things changed. I knew my emotions were different, and I didn’t want anything more from him. I knew that. Why would I want to be with someone who bails and freaks out just when you needed them to be there and strong and ask “are you okay?”. Instead he bailed, and got strange. We were friends before, and I hoped for friendship afterwards. I don’t know if he can handle it. That’s what kills me. I’ve moved on… I have. I don’t have to be in a relationship to move on though. He does. I don’t mind! I am happy that he has found someone….. a week after he and I were together. That’s fine!

So why does it bother me that he has updated his facebook status to “In a relationship” with this chick??? I mean really???? I’m trying not to let this ruin my day. I’m trying.. It’s hard though. Obviously I still have some sort of feeling for him, but it’s not like I want to be with him. He is everything and nothing that I’ve wanted. I deserve so much more than that! I think the thing that hurts the most is that he made a promise to me, and then broke it. I don’t know if it was intentional or unintentional, but he broke it, and now I am left to pick up my own pieces again. Not that they were ever put together properly to begin with.

I’m mad… When I’m mad, I cry. Not when I’m hurt, like normal people do! I cry when I am so livid! Why? Because I do not want to hurt people I love with the words that would come out of my mouth if I didn’t cry. The tears act as curse words, they act as anger, they act as madness and rage. NOT because I’m an emotional girl who is in love with someone. I was never “in love” with him. NEVER.

I am hurt now because I miss my friend. I miss his friendship, not the other stuff.. Just his friendship. I can handle friendships! I can! I just can’t handle the plastering of his new “relationship” with someone else for the entire world to see. I’m hurt because her name is the same as mine, and he referred to me as the “old” Christie when talking to someone. OUCH!!!

I’m stronger than that though. He can think that I’m an emotional girl all he wants. I’m better than that! I am worth more than that. I deserve better than that.

So why can’t I just leave it at that???